Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

A Bishop’s Mother’s Day Reflection

Sunday, June 6th, 2010

We blogged Bishop Galeone on April 25 for our series on spacing births via breastfeeding.  He shared this reflection with us and asked us not to publish it until after May 1, that is,  after it appeared in his diocesan newspaper column.  Now that our series on spacing births is over, we would like to share his article with our readers. 

Bishop Galeone:  As we approach another Mother’s Day, I want to invite you to come back with me to Mother’s Day 1970.

I had just sat down to have a light supper with my widowed mother before returning to the rectory. My mother was grieving because in less than a month she would be losing her “bambino.” You see, my archbishop had given me permission to serve as a missionary in Peru for five years, and I would be leaving within a month. 

The fact that I was 35 years old and a priest for ten years was trumped by my imminent departure for the Peruvian Andes, where I might meet with an untimely end—or so my mother imagined.

While having our soup, mother continued her complaining to the point that I blurted out an unkind remark.  She started to cry. 

“Mom, I’m sorry.  I don’t know what possessed me.  Please forgive me.”—“Oh, I’m not crying about that.”—“Well, why are you crying?”

She continued: “I’m going to tell you something that I’ve told no one except your father.  It was during the Depression years.  The social worker came by to see how things were going.  I told her that everything was fine except that I had missed two of my periods in a row.

“ ‘Oh that’s very bad news, Signora Rita!  I’ll come back on Thursday afternoon and take you to see this doctor, and he will make your period come.’

“I told her that I could never do that…that I would rather die first.

“ ‘What! You won’t cooperate!  Where’s your husband?’—He’s out looking for work.—‘Over two years without a steady job, and you won’t cooperate!  Three young mouths to feed already, and you won’t cooperate!  When your husband returns, talk this over with him. If you don’t cooperate, we just might take those two cards away from you. I’ll see you on Thursday!’ ”

Two comments: Being the fourth child in the lineup, I was that “period.” And the two cards referred to by the social worker were the one that entitled the family to receive a large bag of dried beans every two weeks, and the other was for an occasional delivery of coal during the winter. 

My mother continued: “Two hours later, your father came home all frostbitten. As I helped him off with his coat, I told him that the social worker had stopped by.—‘What did she want?’—I told her that I was expecting. She became very upset. She said that she’d be back on Thursday to take me to this doctor, who would make my period come. If I refuse to go, they might take our benefit cards away. 

“Your father stood there for the longest while without saying a word. Finally, he spoke: ‘Very well, let them! Let them have their cards back! The Lord will provide.’ ”

At that point, my mother got to her feet and knelt down beside me. “Mom,” I insisted, “would you please stop this!”—“No! Let me finish!

“O Jesus, forgive me!  I didn’t want him then because of all our problems. And now I’m afraid of losing him?  Forgive me, Jesus, please forgive me!  You take him for your poor people in Peru.  Thank you, Jesus! Thank you!”

On two occasions of my life, I stayed awake all night long. One was a case of food poisoning in Peru.  The other was Mother’s Day 1970.  I tried to fall asleep, but to no avail. For the first time in my life—on learning how close I had come to not seeing the light of day—I fully realized what a precious gift life is.

Throughout the night, scenes from my boyhood intermingled with images of the heroine I had for a mother: “Hey, Victor, your Mom sure talks funny. I could hardly understand her.”  Gee, I wonder why my Mom can’t talk nice English like all the other mothers can. “No, I could never do that! I would rather die first!”  And she only went as far as the third grade in a backward school in Southern Italy.  “Is that your grandmother?”  No, that’s my Mom.  Her hair turned snow white when she was 30.  She had me when she was 35.  “At two months, all the major organs are formed and functioning. All that is required for birth is time and nourishment.”—“No, I could never do that! I would rather die first.”

I would like to close with the inspiring words that Cardinal Mindzenty penned many years ago about motherhood:

“A Christian mother cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral.  She need not.  She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral—a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body.  The angels have not been blessed with such a grace…God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation.  What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this—to be a mother?”
—Bishop Victor Galeone, Bishop of St. Augustine, Florida, May 2010

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One’s observation of Catholics on life and contraception

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

The following is a message from a correspondent who chooses to remain anonymous:

This is just one almost-convert’s perspective, which is probably not worth too much.

First, in any parish we have visited in this area, we are often the largest family (six children).  Usually an elderly lady will come up to us and smile and say, “We had seven, dear” or, “I remember when we filled up a pew.”  Anyone our age will say, “You sure have your hands full!” while they have two or three children in tow.  There is a decided “closedness” to life.  Since having four children, we have always been asked by strangers if we were Catholic or Mormon.  The world just assumes Catholics are open to life.  In general, we have not found it to be true, at least in this geographical area.  I feel this is a cause of scandal.  On the other hand, the families who are open to life shine brightly in the darkness.

Second, my friends who are life-long Catholics, the parents of 9, and have always lived in this area, say there is a “hands off” approach by the clergy when it comes to the topic of contraception. That is why they sent us their Bishop’s booklet on the 40th Anniversary of Humanae Vitae.  They were so excited that someone had the courage to say contraception is wrong.  This is sad, but at least it is a step in the right direction.  I think any couple who reads that booklet and wants to learn more would easily find your website by a Google search. 

And finally, (again, just my opinion), many families don’t want to hear about ecological breastfeeding because it is a lifestyle.  I have to admit, it was easy for me because I already loved being with my babies.  I never have felt right about being apart from them, even for a short time.  My mother was that way, and I guess it is natural to me.  But for the mother who is used to being apart from her baby, it seems too great a sacrifice to change her lifestyle.  I feel this is sad. I agree wholeheartedly with you—eco-breastfeeding is God’s simple plan to space babies.  And in many cultures, the women would probably think it was funny for us in the West to even need to discuss it; it truly is “natural mothering” and only needs explaining when “unnatural” has become the norm.

To me it is so simple.  Every baby deserves his mother’s undivided attention.  My oldest child is 12, and judging by the late nights we spend talking over the issues of the universe, it is obvious to me that they still need their mother.  As my friend says, “Mother is a noun and a verb!”  It is the verb aspect that has gone out of style. 

Sadly, it seems there is a fear to proclaim this truth of natural mothering in the Church.  I believe that natural mothering is God’s best for families.  In our culture it is indeed controversial.  But we can pray.  It is truly, in my humble opinion, God’s “Plan A” for the home.  If it is a facet of God’s truth, it is the job of the Church to proclaim it, but it will certainly not be easy for them in the current culture. 

Whenever I consider the fact that my husband is entering the Church with me, and I listen to him explain the Faith to other people, I am reassured that prayer is a powerful weapon and God can do anything!  I will make natural mothering a top priority as I pray each morning because it is so very important.  It is a matter of life and death, particularly in the current anti-family mindset that is worsening all the time.

I am sorry this is so long!  I have just been thinking about this today and it is all spilling over here.  God bless you again and again.–Anonymous

Posted in Abortion-Contraception, Ecological Breastfeeding, Family | 1 Comment »

What’s Important for a “Successful” Marriage?

Sunday, July 8th, 2007

What do Americans think is important for a successful marriage? According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, only 41% of those surveyed thought that having and rearing children was “very important” for a successful marriage. This contrasted sharply with a 1990 survey that found 65% of respondents saying that children were “very important to a good marriage.”

Such published results beg for critical analysis and interpretation. For example, what is a “successful marriage”? What are the criteria for success? What were the questions? How were they asked? Were the respondents forced to make a ranking of various factors as first, second, etc. or could they rank every factor as very important, important, etc.? Could they balance factors or did they have to put one ahead of another?

Then there’s the problem of prior interpretation. I read about the Pew survey in a copyrighted AP story on CNN.com updated as of July 2, 2007. To what extent has the text of the original study been selectively edited along the way?

It appears that respondents had to rank various factors for their relative importance for a successful marriage. If success is defined as lack of conflict, then it is easy to understand why children were ranked in eighth out of nine places, behind “sharing household chores,” “good housing,” “adequate income,” “happy sexual relationship” and “faithfulness.” Any seasoned observer knows that difficulties and tensions come with children. Further, the normal challenges of raising children are aggravated today by constant reminders of how expensive children are. The usually quoted figures are astronomical and highly unrealistic for most families, but they contribute to the fear of having children.

The survey also found that by a margin of almost 3 to 1 the respondents said that the main purpose of marriage was the “mutual happiness and fulfillment” of the spouses as contrasted with the “bearing and raising of children.” Here it appears that respondents were forced to rank one above the other. The story did not indicate if they could rate them as equal purposes of marriage.

These survey results came from 2,020 American respondents via a telephone survey in February and March. Is any of this surprising? The article quoted Barbara Defoe Whitehead about the culture in which these respondents live. “The popular culture is increasingly oriented to fulfilling the X-rated fantasies and desires of adults… Child-rearing values — sacrifice, stability, dependability, maturity — seem stale and musty by comparison.”

Despite the problems inherent in the study and its editing, the survey may reflect contemporary culture fairly well. So what is to be done? One social critic said that the downgrading of the importance of children may reflect “America’s relative lack of family-friendly workplace policies such as paid leave and subsidized child care.” I have to wonder. They have those things in some of the European countries whose attitude toward childen is reflected in birth rates below the 2.1 replacement level.

So again, what can be done to help change contemporary attitudes towards having children?

First of all, it seems to me, we need to improve the cultural meaning of a successful marriage. Certainly we have to aim higher than the mere absence of conflict and tensions. How about a notion of success that measures the success of marriage by the criterion of helping each other on the path to eternal happiness with God? That would lead to some rephrasing of survey questions. How about this: “What factors are important for a successful marriage defined as one that prepares all family members to be welcomed by the Lord on the day of their earthly deaths?” Let’s modify the wording so that the children factor is listed as “having and raising children in the ways of the Lord Jesus.” Lastly, let’s give respondents the opportunity to list both purposes of marriage — the procreation & education of children and the total welfare of the spouses. Both-and instead of either-or. Actually, having a sufficient number of children is sociologically the most important because without a sufficient number of children the society will disappear.

Second, let’s hear from Christian pulpits all across the country the call to recognize that marriage is about family, that having children is not an option like having a ranch or a two-story house. How about hearing from the pulpit some words of congratulation and praise for parents of large families? How about hearing in pre-marriage courses, NFP courses, baptism courses, and from the pulpit that it’s morally wrong to use contraceptive behaviors? How about hearing that we need a sufficiently serious reason to use systematic NFP for avoiding pregnancy, that we are called to generosity not selfishness, that the two-child family as an ideal is a recipe for the destruction of society as we know it? How about hearing about ecological breastfeeding with all its advantages for baby and mother plus its natural spacing effects?

Third, let’s hear it from the pulpit every year that marriage really is for keeps. Let’s hear our priests remind us about the sins that lead to adultery and the breakup of marriages. Just today I learned of a father of several children who has been living adulterously for a year and has recently left his family and wants to marry or do whatever with the other woman, a mother of several children. What happened? I guess he found out that his spouse is imperfect. Well, of course his spouse and your spouse and every spouse is imperfect. He should have been looking at his own faults and counting his blessings instead of engaging in x-rated daydreams and behaviors.

The time is past when the leaders of the Church and society could take marriage and family for granted. I keep hearing over and over again from the pulpit that we are called to share the faith with others. How about our bishops, priests and deacons sharing the faith from the pulpit? Dear reader, how often have you heard from the pulpit that seeking after happiness, even in marriage, is illusory? that happiness comes not from seeking it but from seeking first the kingdom of God? And that this applies in every aspect of life including marriage? None of this is new. It’s all in the gospel. But to paraphrase Romans 10, how can people be expected to believe it if they don’t hear it preached to them?

The bottom line is that the answer to our family and other cultural problems is the Lord Jesus. We need to hear his teaching applied in specifics to these problems.

My thanks to the gentleman who asked me to comment on the study. You can find the AP article by clicking here.

John F. Kippley
Sex and the Marriage Covenant: A Basis for Morality (Ignatius, 2005)
Natural Family Planning: The Question-Answer Book, a short, readable, free and downloadable e-book available at
www.NFPandmore.org

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