What do Americans think is important for a successful marriage? According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, only 41% of those surveyed thought that having and rearing children was “very important” for a successful marriage. This contrasted sharply with a 1990 survey that found 65% of respondents saying that children were “very important to a good marriage.”
Such published results beg for critical analysis and interpretation. For example, what is a “successful marriage”? What are the criteria for success? What were the questions? How were they asked? Were the respondents forced to make a ranking of various factors as first, second, etc. or could they rank every factor as very important, important, etc.? Could they balance factors or did they have to put one ahead of another?
Then there’s the problem of prior interpretation. I read about the Pew survey in a copyrighted AP story on CNN.com updated as of July 2, 2007. To what extent has the text of the original study been selectively edited along the way?
It appears that respondents had to rank various factors for their relative importance for a successful marriage. If success is defined as lack of conflict, then it is easy to understand why children were ranked in eighth out of nine places, behind “sharing household chores,” “good housing,” “adequate income,” “happy sexual relationship” and “faithfulness.” Any seasoned observer knows that difficulties and tensions come with children. Further, the normal challenges of raising children are aggravated today by constant reminders of how expensive children are. The usually quoted figures are astronomical and highly unrealistic for most families, but they contribute to the fear of having children.
The survey also found that by a margin of almost 3 to 1 the respondents said that the main purpose of marriage was the “mutual happiness and fulfillment” of the spouses as contrasted with the “bearing and raising of children.” Here it appears that respondents were forced to rank one above the other. The story did not indicate if they could rate them as equal purposes of marriage.
These survey results came from 2,020 American respondents via a telephone survey in February and March. Is any of this surprising? The article quoted Barbara Defoe Whitehead about the culture in which these respondents live. “The popular culture is increasingly oriented to fulfilling the X-rated fantasies and desires of adults… Child-rearing values — sacrifice, stability, dependability, maturity — seem stale and musty by comparison.”
Despite the problems inherent in the study and its editing, the survey may reflect contemporary culture fairly well. So what is to be done? One social critic said that the downgrading of the importance of children may reflect “America’s relative lack of family-friendly workplace policies such as paid leave and subsidized child care.” I have to wonder. They have those things in some of the European countries whose attitude toward childen is reflected in birth rates below the 2.1 replacement level.
So again, what can be done to help change contemporary attitudes towards having children?
First of all, it seems to me, we need to improve the cultural meaning of a successful marriage. Certainly we have to aim higher than the mere absence of conflict and tensions. How about a notion of success that measures the success of marriage by the criterion of helping each other on the path to eternal happiness with God? That would lead to some rephrasing of survey questions. How about this: “What factors are important for a successful marriage defined as one that prepares all family members to be welcomed by the Lord on the day of their earthly deaths?” Let’s modify the wording so that the children factor is listed as “having and raising children in the ways of the Lord Jesus.” Lastly, let’s give respondents the opportunity to list both purposes of marriage — the procreation & education of children and the total welfare of the spouses. Both-and instead of either-or. Actually, having a sufficient number of children is sociologically the most important because without a sufficient number of children the society will disappear.
Second, let’s hear from Christian pulpits all across the country the call to recognize that marriage is about family, that having children is not an option like having a ranch or a two-story house. How about hearing from the pulpit some words of congratulation and praise for parents of large families? How about hearing in pre-marriage courses, NFP courses, baptism courses, and from the pulpit that it’s morally wrong to use contraceptive behaviors? How about hearing that we need a sufficiently serious reason to use systematic NFP for avoiding pregnancy, that we are called to generosity not selfishness, that the two-child family as an ideal is a recipe for the destruction of society as we know it? How about hearing about ecological breastfeeding with all its advantages for baby and mother plus its natural spacing effects?
Third, let’s hear it from the pulpit every year that marriage really is for keeps. Let’s hear our priests remind us about the sins that lead to adultery and the breakup of marriages. Just today I learned of a father of several children who has been living adulterously for a year and has recently left his family and wants to marry or do whatever with the other woman, a mother of several children. What happened? I guess he found out that his spouse is imperfect. Well, of course his spouse and your spouse and every spouse is imperfect. He should have been looking at his own faults and counting his blessings instead of engaging in x-rated daydreams and behaviors.
The time is past when the leaders of the Church and society could take marriage and family for granted. I keep hearing over and over again from the pulpit that we are called to share the faith with others. How about our bishops, priests and deacons sharing the faith from the pulpit? Dear reader, how often have you heard from the pulpit that seeking after happiness, even in marriage, is illusory? that happiness comes not from seeking it but from seeking first the kingdom of God? And that this applies in every aspect of life including marriage? None of this is new. It’s all in the gospel. But to paraphrase Romans 10, how can people be expected to believe it if they don’t hear it preached to them?
The bottom line is that the answer to our family and other cultural problems is the Lord Jesus. We need to hear his teaching applied in specifics to these problems.
My thanks to the gentleman who asked me to comment on the study. You can find the AP article by clicking here.
John F. Kippley
Sex and the Marriage Covenant: A Basis for Morality (Ignatius, 2005)
Natural Family Planning: The Question-Answer Book, a short, readable, free and downloadable e-book available at
www.NFPandmore.org